Rest in ME a while....

I unintentionally woke up very early this morning so started reading the Bible. After I read and journaled, journaled and read, I looked over at my night stand to see the devotional book Jesus Calling. Today's devotional couldn't be more fitting with what I have been reading and praying about these last few weeks.

Rest with Me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn't bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go..." Genesis 28:15

Sin Defined

I listen to John Piper's 'Ask Pastor John' podcast every once in awhile and he defined sin in a way that I had never heard before. When you read it, it makes sense that this is sin, sinful, sinful acts.

Sin is...

the glory of God not honored,

the holiness of God not reverenced,

the greatness of God not admired,

the power of God not praised,

the truth of God not sought,

the wisdom of God not esteemed,

the beauty of God not treasured,

the goodness of God not savored,

the faithfulness of God not trusted, 

the promises of God not believed,

the commandments of God not obeyed,

the justice of God not respected,

the wrath of God not feared,

the grace of God not cherished,

the presence of God not prized,

the person of God not loved.

"But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin." Romans 14:23 NIV

"But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning." - NLT

Another definition by John Piper: Sin is anything, any act or any emotion or attitude, that does not sprout from the soil of such confidence in the God of hope. "Whatever is not from faith is sin."

With all of this sin talk....here's faith defined according to John Piper.

Faith is confidence in God to work in the affairs of our lives so that only what is best for us happens to us. Unbelief is what displeases God in every sinful act. "Without faith, it is impossible to please God." Hebrews 11:6 

And without faith, how can we experience joy and peace from God?

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 NASB

John Piper Blog Post: Whatever is not from faith is sin

Lord I'm Ready Now by Plumb

I don't listen to the radio much anymore but I did one evening on a quick run to the store.  As I was scanning the stations, I heard a few lyrics from a song that spoke to me. Sometimes that expression "spoke to me" seems overrated, but I think in certain situations, you can't help but say it.  The lyrics to this song did in fact spoke to me.  It spoke to tell me exactly where I am and where I have been.

Even though I had already arrived and parked in front of the store, I sat there listening to the rest of the words.  The song style was sorta of sappy (and I'm sure this song is being constantly played on Christian stations) but lyrics can tell a different story.  After the song was over, I said out loud, "Yup that's me!" Everything in this song is what I have been battling and struggling with for the last year.  I have been struggling for a couple of years but this last year had to have been one of the most numbing, insipid ones in my life. What was I doing? Where was I going? What was I thinking? And lots of questions of why, why, why?

I have been feeling defeated because I've been choosing to be on my own instead of asking for help so this is what I've come to......to declare that I'm ready now. But the greatest thing.....the Lord is always ready.

I just let go

And I feel exposed

But its so beautiful

Cause this is who I am

I've been such a mess

But now I can't care less

I could bleed to death

          Oh Lord I'm ready now                           You called my name                          I've nothing left to hide

          All the walls are down                          I turned away                                      No reason's left to lie

          Time is running out                             But now I                                                Give me another chance

          And I wanna make this count              Am listening

          I ran away from you                            I was so caught up

          And did what I wanted to                     In who I'm not

          But I don't wanna let you down              Can you please forgive me?

          Oh Lord I'm ready now

          Lord I'm ready now

They wait for you to leave

You ever feel like someone or people are just waiting for you to leave?  That they're just done with you but instead of saying something, they just wait? Wait until YOU get tired of where you are and eventually leave?  I've felt like that. And I've seen that happen.

I remember at one of my first jobs, management were talking in front of me about a co-worker of mine that wasn't performing well.  She was slow and didn't learn quickly enough. But instead of talking to her and trying to train her better, they cut her hours in hopes that she'd get fed up that she didn't have enough hours and eventually leave. Then, within two weeks, she quit.

I remember her telling me that she had a baby girl and lived with her parents. The father was in and out of the picture.  This new mother was young. About 19-20 years old.  She tried hard but was also tired, though, she worked.  We didn't work together much but I had wished I had helped after finding out what management had planned.

Why was management scared to give input that she, herself, might have not realized?  Or if that, offered more training? Why didn't management want to talk with her directly? After all, they are management. They like to receive input but not give much criticism, even if employees ask. Seems kinda low to not talk directly.

Having a management position is hard though, I get it. It truly is. It certainly has deeper lows having to deal with the harder stuff that no one wants to deal with. But I don't think waiting and doing or saying nothing until the person leaves should be the way to go. People learn from experience. Tough experiences included. And that's for both parties.

Funny Thought

I wonder...if grandmas over 60 on Facebook took a picture of a photo of themselves, would they call that a selfie?

Uncomfortable

When you walk into a room and/or start talking, do you ever feel like you made the room uncomfortable? Or even awkward?

I tend to feel that way a lot.

I think when people tell me thanks for being you, they may be just saying that because they don't know what else to say.  They may be just trying to be nice as possible. 

#latenightthoughts #okihavethoughtaboutthisbefore

Love All. Give All. Free All.

Two of my co-workers and a few of my students will be going to Uganda this September and still need help financially.

Your support will not only help them get there, but will help provide a water treatment system in one of the villages they will be visiting and will help trafficked girls.

To raise support, they are selling T-shirts for $25 each and bags for $10 each. Please support them financially and in your prayers. (Praise: We weren't sure if one of the girls was gonna be able to go because of troubles with getting her passport. But earlier this week, my co-worker got a call, paperwork went through and she got her passport yesterday! Praise Jesus! We've waited a long time.)

Visit loveallgiveallfreeall.wordpress.com to donate and inquire about awesome shirts like these!

'

Love

It may be sad to not love or be loved by a man, especially when there are many couples around me, but it would be downright depressing if I did not love or were not loved by GOD.

He is my comforter. Whether I love God or not, He will always...ALWAYS love me. (But rest assured....I love Him)

Psalm 25

I've read this psalm twice within the same week and it has spoken to me a lot lately.  It talks about trusting God and guidance.  The first verse is straight off the bat:

                   "To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God"

 So I guess the question that is pounding in my heart is am I trusting God? and even have I been trusting Him lately and how?

Oh God, how You constantly test and challenge me so I know that you love and care for me always and always.

Collages

Lately, I've been obsessed with making collages. Here's a tree I took of while I was in Cameroon. I kinda like it with the lines.

Lately...

...I haven't been keeping up with this blog

...I've been listening to a lot of sermons on podcast. Mainly from Mars Hill with Mark Driscoll, North Point Ministries with Andy Stanley, and The Stirring (based in Redding) with Nate Edwardson

...doing lots of driving up and down the mountain

...I've been working odd shifts at work but now it's all sorted

...I've started going to the women's group I went to before the summer began

...I've been reading lots of articles online, mainly from Relevant Magazine (it's good)

...I've been paying off my debt tremendously. Should be debt free by February of next year.

...I've been drinking more Starbucks than I usually would

...I've gone to Hatchet Falls twice. The second time I actually got into the water and jumped from the log.

...I've been taking care and playing with my dog Jade of 5 months. She is the best and is so cute. She doesn't like men or boys though. I don't know why. Something could have happened in her past.

...I've started working out. I miss it. Its what helps me become more energized and think clearer

...I've been taking supplements like chia oil and Lysine and drinking Chlorophyl (though I haven't in a week)

...I've haven't been praying as much as I should be

...I've been kinda numb to relationships

...I've been doing my best to reconnect the most important relationship. My relationship with God.

Amidst Chaos, There is Joy and Peace

This past month at work has been chaos, but among of it all, I have sought after God tons.  His strength and love has brought me so much joy in Him and peace when I really needed it.  It can be easy to be tipped off when you have many girls talking at you all at once, but I'm here for God and He wants me here.  To be honest, I have spent more time talking with Him here than I ever have.  His peace has overwhelmed my soul and I am so thankful.  I am truly understanding how Philippians 4:13 is being displayed before me.  "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Radical Experiment Update

I mentioned in my Prayer and Praise page that I started the Radical Experiment.  It's been nearly a month now and I'm doing well.  Reading the Bible part is going really well, the praying could be better, investing is going steady, connecting with the church is still going, and the involvement outside of my comfort or cultural context is kinda alongside with my line of work.  Those five things are out of order and really prayer should be exceeding all others because my relationship with Jesus will cause my heart, mind, soul and strength to discern my actions, thoughts, and decisions in anything and everything I do.

The Bible reading plan I'm using is the Discipleship Journal Bible Reading Plan.  I picked it mainly because I'll be reading four books simultaneously.  I have no desire to hurry and finish the Bible in less than a year, but after reading the beginnings of the Old Testament, I may just as well.  I have not read all of the Old Testament and the books that I have read, I did not really retain as much.  But now, I am so enthralled by it that I couldn't stop reading AND I'm retaining most of what I read.  Though, when I got to Leviticus, I have to confess I slowed downed a bit, with all its regulations for offerings, the priests and the people.  But reading through all of that makes me appreciate of how things are versus how things were.  We really do have freedom through Jesus in many ways to be saved.  There is no more need of sacrifices brought to priests on our behalf; the freedom we have is to talk to God directly.

As far as connecting with a local church, I've been attending a church called The Stirring for about a month.  It's been wonderful and really God bringing things together.   The first time ever that I went to The Stirring was at their Sunday night service.  At the end of the service, they had the prayer team come to the front of the stage.  At that time, I was emotionally overwhelmed from my job.  I didn't feel like I was good enough or adequately prepared to help these girls....so I walked up to ask for prayer.  After she prayed, the woman told me about her life group on Tuesday nights.  Already, more doors were opening up.  Though, I left that night only learning her name because I thought her life group information was on the website.

A few days later, the church was having an info meeting about their church.  Kinda like a membership class where we meet the pastors and they talk about the church, but without actual membership with the church.  There, I met a woman who had newly moved to Redding as well and learned that she regularly attends the Sunday night service.  I told her that next time that I'm there, I will find her.

A couple of weeks go by and I don't attend the night services but the morning services because I had planned to go home.  When I finally attend the night service, I find the woman that I met at the info meeting towards the front of the church.  We reconnect and talk for a while. While we were both leaving the row where she was sitting, I guess we both spotted the same woman cause we started making our way towards her.  That woman we were both walking towards was the first woman that prayed for me weeks before.  Low and behold, they are in the same life group so naturally, God is saying "now you know 2 people in the same life group.  I think you should go."  Actually, that's me saying I think you should go. I'm sure God is saying "Go already".

So last Tuesday, I went to my first women's bible study and it was awesome.  Connecting with other people outside of my work is refreshing AND of course, we're talking about God.  We'll see what else God has in store for the next couple of months and what He will teach me.

First week of work

My first week of work has not been so bad.  Though, I can't do much.  It's all about observing.  The girls can't come to me for anything and I can't tell/ask them anything unless it's about the program.  It's hard to hold my tongue especially when I start to pick up the things they can and cannot do, but they know the rules and the staff and I shouldn't have to remind them.

This week has also been very windy!  It sounds like huge waves of water were about to crash on us any moment.  When we walked outside, I could see the tall trees sway and it's a little scary.  I was talking to one of the staff that lives off-campus and she said there was a tree that blocked the road.  I'm not surprised.  Apparently it's been windy throughout California when I was reading the news.  But high speed winds and the cold weather here make for chilly days and nights.  Thank goodness though, Redding is a little warmer because it is farther from the mountains than where I live.

Redding is quite nice.  I planned to go to the night service at Bethel Church, but took a few detours getting there.  As I was driving up a hill, I noticed the pretty lights of Redding below.  Redding is beautiful day and night.  And every time I drive to or from the campus, I could see Mount Shasta and Lassen Peak.  It really feels like being in Alaska again.  Surrounded by all these mountains.  Even when I'm on campus and I'm walking back to my dorm, I look up to a clear night sky of stars.  It's like being in the desert.  I remember visiting my aunt, uncle and cousins when they lived in 29 Palms.  We went into the desert and looked at all the stars.  The desert was a great place to look at the stars.  Alaska was nice too, especially with the northern lights out.  It's funny how this wave of my life is spent in or near the mountains more than any other time in my life.

This month, I'll be doing a lot of exploring.  Exploring for a church, the city and fun activities to do with the girls.  I don't know if they have done this already, but I think I'm going to suggest that we make pinhole cameras.  We'll see how it will go and how much it may cost.

New job opportunity

Even though I doubt that many people read my blog, especially now that I'm back from Alaska, there is always something interesting about writing and publicly posting one's experiences on a blog.  Ok, ok. Facebook is exactly like that. Sharing public announcements about our personal lives, but this blog is the public journal that allows for more explanation than that one liner status update or always posting something and blowing up everyone's news feed.  Anyway,  I haven't written anything in awhile so I'm just typing out me reminiscing about writing on a blog.

What is this new job opportunity?  It's with troubled teens at a Christian boarding school near Redding, CA.  People there would ask me how I heard of the school and to be honest, I couldn't remember.  I came across the website randomly while looking for jobs last year but could not exactly remember how I came across it.  I read their whole website and read reviews on the school and was interested in working for them but didn't apply.  Then came Alaska.  But Alaska came and is now gone and I knew that I needed that to apply for the job.  So I applied for this and another job that basically has the same job description but it was in San Francisco.  I also knew about this organization last year and didn't apply.

After talking and having interviews with both organizations, there were pros and cons for both.  The Redding job was in a nice area and Christian-based (by that, I know that they do not just call themselves Christian but truly live out Christ while helping troubled teens).  Cons were lower pay and no benefits.  They also had no cell service on their property and slow internet.  The no cell service and slow internet are not real cons because I will be working anyway, but they are 45 minutes outside of Redding so I would have to drive out a bit to use my cell phone.  The San Francisco job had full benefits, better pay, consistent training, scholarships for further education, and it was closer to family.  I didn't seem to have many cons.

I had a phone interview with the Redding job two weeks ago then had a group interview with the San Francisco job a couples day after and then was invited to visit the Redding campus the week after.  Both jobs will provide great experience.

I secretly really wanted the San Francisco job, but after touring the Redding job, I knew it would be best that I go there.  So the night that I was at the Redding campus, I asked God not to give me the San Francisco job so that I wouldn't be tempted to take it.  A few days later, I got a rejection letter from their organization.  So that pretty much made my choice easy to go with Redding.  I'm not saying that just because I wanted the other and didn't get it that I'm settling for Redding, but that I knew it would be too much for me to decide where to go if I had the option and I truly believe that the Redding job is where I'm suppose to be.  I just didn't want to face that temptation so I asked God to take it away.

I'm on break right now on my first day of work and really enjoy being back.  Some of the girls told me last time that I would be back.  HA.  I'm well moved in and have nothing much left to do except change my address.  But other than that, this first month will be training and observing.  I feel a little useless, but it's the beginning and it's generally that way.

September Pictures

Pictures from my last month in Alaska. Enjoy.

Home

So I was actually home as of Monday, Septemerb 26th.  September has gone by so fast.  So much has happened and so much needed to get done.  I realized that I rarely took any pictures in September.  But my experience working at a hotel, experiencing the park, being part of the ministry all had its ups and downs.  Would I do it again? Yes, of course.  I would definitely be doing a lot of things differently, but I cannot regret what I have done.  If it were not for the ministry, I would have never gone to Alaska in the first place and the ministry is really a blessing.  People have told Bekky and I that it was nice that we were there offering worship services because it was convenient and refreshing.  Some even noticed that there was no team last year, so that is saying something about this ministry is getting noticed.

Overall, my experience with the ministry has been a good one.  There have been times where I did not feel like planning a service, but it was very rewarding and a blessing to do it.  We are not ordained ministers, but you really don't have to make an elaborate sermon to talk about Jesus.  Besides, like any (or all ministries) this ministry is mostly all relational.  There are things that I wished I could have done differently but like I said earlier, no regrets.  At least I know now for next time if I decide to go back or to another park.  We did have service every week with the exception of 2.  One week, we were both very tired and the other, there was a job fair in the building that we held our services.  Anyway, it was nice to worship with others especially when times were low.

Working at the hotel was not bad.  I worked full-time as a houseperson/porter in housekeeping.  During September, many of my fellow employees and I had to work a lot harder because people were leaving so we were becoming short staffed quickly.  I stripped the rooms of all linens and towels so they could go to laundry right away and cleaned and covered public area furniture for next year's season.  It was weird seeing people leave and our employee community was becoming a ghost town.  One day, there were a wave of people that left all at once and that's what made it very weird to still be there without those people there, but it was nice and quiet.  Also, my last working day was a very lonely day.  The day before, I worked with 3 friends cleaning furniture, but because for one it was her last day, she wasn't with me on mine.  So I cleaned the lobby and picked up dirty linens all by myself that day.  It was kinda sad, but it was not so bad.  I remember on my last day my boss saying she wanted to vacuum the dall sheep in the main lobby and asked me to get sheets/covers for them so they don't get dusty over the winter.  It was funny and weird to see covers over them because these stuffed dall sheep sit on top of a big rock in the lobby so she had to climb the rock to put the covers on.  That lobby was so empty and the doors were boarded up that it felt like a ghost could pop up any minute.

I rarely got to go in the park during September but I could definitely see the colores change or plants wither as winter was approaching.  I was told while there that it may snow and rain the day I was going to leave for Anchorage.  It never did.  But two days later it did. And I was jealous.  I did take the train down to Anchorage from Denali National Park.  That was the most beautiful ride I have ever been on.  Seeing the colors and landscape was incredible.  I can only imagine if I took the train earlier when the plants really started changing.  Seeing the colors change in Alaska is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.  Now I know why people from New York or New Jersey make that drive to see the colors change.  Watching that change is amazing.

Experiencing Alaska is something I will never forget and I have no doubt that I will go back but I just do not know when.  But when I do, hopefully someone will be able to come with me because there is so much beauty in the vastness that we didn't even know was there.  It's like experiencing God.  You don't know beauty or love until you go there, until you experience Him.  And because you've experienced it, you want to share it with others because it is just that amazing!

Birthday Shirt

This is my shirt that I wore out on my birthday.  My ugly shirt birthday.  I found it in Seward and it was actually hanging in the window. 

Alaskan August

Click the link for some pictures from my Seward trip and Savage River watching the leaves change.

Alaskan August Pictures

Birthday and Beyond

Thank you again to all my family and friends for the birthday wishes.  Since my birthday fell on a Tuesday this year, I celebrated the weekend before by going to Seward.  I did not get to stay in Seward for the night but I did spend all day there by going on a cruise tour of the Kenai Fjords National Park.  It was amazing.  It was a 6 hour tour of natural coastal beauty and wildlife.  I saw humpback whales, orka (killer whales), sea lions, sea otters, a bald eagle, and puffins (which by the way is one of my new favorite animals).  Towards the middle of the tour, we got to see glaciers.  The captain got close to the glacier, turned off the engine and we all stood outside listening to the glacier cracking and watching parts of it fall.  It was very peaceful listening and watching glaciers.  And its ice blue color is magnificent between the mountains.  Not to mention that the glaciers themselves are enormous in size.  The more and more I see Alaska, I cannot believe how vast this place is.

On Tuesday, I was traveling home from Seward.  I wanted to go out that night with some friends, but I knew that wouldn't be a good idea since I had work the next day at 9am.  So I went out Thursday night to one of the famous bars/restaurants here in Denali Park called The Salmon Bake.  I asked all my friends to wear a bad/ugly/funny/cheesy tourist shirt in honor of my birthday.  Mine was funny and unrelated to Alaska altogether, but it did say Alaska on it. I will post a picture soon.  That night also happened to be two people's last night in Denali so there was a big party.

Also, a couple of days ago, my laptop died.  Sad day :(